This is my last blog for awhile, I've decided to withdrawl from the internet again for a little bit, as well as from other things so I can reflect upon myself.

For the past several weeks I've been unable to sleep through a single night without waking up atleast two or three times. I've decided that I'm either a) developing insomnia from too many thoughts/stressful issues or b) My friends call me WAAAY too much in the middle of the night drunk dialing. I've been feeling so out of place around my friends recently, ESPECIALLY recently. All of my close friends are seeming to change in ways that I don't want to conform to, and because of it I feel distanced. I love my friends dearly and more than anything, but I can't stand by and allow everyone to destroy themselves without saying a single word or speaking out against it.

I absolutely refuse to drink and smoke.. that goes for anything, I dont care if its a cigarette or fucking pot. There was one point where I thought I did want to join some of my best friends but its only made me realise how stupid it is of them to be doing these things. Its becomming more and more difficult to face some people, I just want to stare each and every one of those close friends and say something along the lines of  "Go ahead and kill yourself, but when face death I can't garauntee that I'll be there for you." You wouldn't believe how angry of a person I've become lately. I absolutely hate, hate, HATE it when the only time one of your "close" friends calls you is at 3 am every night completely wasted and inviting you over to party with them. Some of you guys may not see a problem with that, but its something that bothers me deeply.

For the longest time I've opposed these things because of self destruction, and because my father was a heavy alcoholic when I was a child and really hurt my family. You can argue with me saying things such as "Oh! Alchohol is only destructive if you drive!" or.. "Pot doesnt kill braincells, it helps me concentrate!" or something like.. "Pot isnt bad for you like Cigarettes because it doesnt put tar in your lunges!" BULLSHIT. Stop hiding under your alchohol slamming-pot dragging blanket and face reality. Alchohol kills braincells and impairs a drinker in ANY situation. Pot may not destroy your lunges but it does destroy braincells which can lead to long term complications once you're older. And of course smoking cigarettes or cigars or anything along those lines destroys brain cells, lunge tissue, and also breaks down tissue in your mouth and esophagus which can lead to cysts and even cancer.

I feel like everyone is changing and growing up in different ways. I'm losing close friends and loved ones to things like these. I honestly want someone just to say to me that they prefer our friendship and our relationship over a foamy brown drink in a glass bottle, or maybe even more than a fatal car accident. You guys dont think I'm serious but I am. Dont EVER ask me to do these things with you because I will turn you down and lose respect for you as a person. There are MUCH better ways to have a good time with your friends. There are MUCH better ways to relieve stress. I ask those of you only to reflect on yourselves and ask yourself what is really more valuable to you, your alchohol and parties or your friendship with me and others you may be hurting. Those of you who dont take this seriously have already lost my respect.

I want to sleep one night without worrying about my friends or being too disturbed with 3am phonecalls from friends drunk driving. Its your choise to stop these things, just be smart about what you do and think before you act. Actions  mean more than words. Dont drink and drive, dont drink and force yourself on someone, dont do drugs and drive, dont do drugs and do stupid things like walking up to policemen while high. Dont drink and call me, dont drink and come to my house at 4 in the morning. Just please be smart about what you do, your relationships, and your lifestyle.

Believe it or not, I'm one of the few ABOVE the Influence.. Yeah, ever see those commercials on VH1 or MTV? Yeah, people actually pay attention to them. You can lose respect for me, stop talking to me, or even try to convince me anymore, but I'm not feeling sorry for you, I'm not giving in. I am not a drinker, I am not a pot head, and I do not smoke anything at all. If you cant accept me for who I am then dont even bother.

Blegh...

Im so not excited anymore, I never thought this was possible, but right now all odds are against me. Nobody is enjoying my ideas, I have a bajillion things to get done, and I'm lacking mega money. I STILL need to finish Xhianghua, and I need to help Caitlin finish Mina, AND I need to make both of our Peach and Daisy costumes still, AND our Soul Calibur props, AND I still need to pay for my share of the hotel, AND I need to save up money for gas, AND I still need to deal with all of this photoshoot crap.

Seriously people, I'm sick of working around everyone else's schedule except for mine. Everyone is busy Saturday morning so I've tried to make arrangements to change the Soul Calibur shoot and I only get bitched at about it. I'm so sick of sewing and painting right now its not even funny and I'm feeling EXTREMELY unconfident about myself. Everytime I try to make plans or do something for other people it falls apart and I end up stressing myself out like right now. Nothing that I want to do or will do has to be easy, there always has to be some problem. Im sorry if I complain about this alot, but it is true. I really dont think I'm going to be ready for ACen, and if I am I'm not sure if I'm going to have as good of a time as I want to. I just.. ughh. I wanna wake up and I want everything to be all happy and on track and low drama! ..but the reality is, is that its not, and not very many people are helping with that.

So.. heres the details on whats going down; In order to have a photoshoot with Deathcom now, you must send them photosh of your costume in advance and NONE of my costumes are done, so NO nice photoshoot at all; Im driving to and from the convention which I dont mind, but I have to save up for gas money to drive back and forth from Caitlin's stepmom's work to drop off the credit card after checking in to the hotel Friday around noon; some of my super close friends (whom I wont name) are changing, and I believe its because of people that I dislike for personnal reasons and are blowing me off for them at ACen; I personally feel tied down for the weekend, like I'm obligated to do certain things at certain times to make certain people happy or else I'll get hell or feel miserable or that specific person will be upset, blah blah blah; I'm sick of trying to schedule the motherfucking Soul Calibur photoshoot for everyone because everyone originally planned for Saturday and is now wanting Friday which would require me going out of my way after making arrangements to go out friday evening for a Harry Potter meetup so that way the Soul Calibur photoshoot isnt too close to the Trinity Blood photoshoot on Saturday morning, because two hours is NOT enough time for everyone to change costume.. UGGGHH! HOW LONG DOES IT FUCKING TAKE TO PUT YOUR PANTS ON?!?!?!

Theres so much more right now, but I'm feeling overly selfish at the moment and extremely bitchy. I'm going to have to agree with anyone else who feels this way about me. Its stressful to go out of the way for other people expecially when theres so much on your shoulders, but I'm trying to do all of this for my friends to make them happy and so they all could have a good weekend. It just builds up sometimes and I lose my cool.. I just need to keep pressing for energy and motivation. Sorry guys. I just want things to go well again and I want to be psyched for ACen, but its really hard right now.

OH DEAR GOD! Stress is just building up again and I've had a fricking migrane all day. My parents are really pressuring me to get my license, but I know I'm just going to fail again. If I cant get my license then I have to quit both my jobs and I wont have any money =D Yay rah, no pressure right? This is how they're trying to keep me from being nervous.. bullshit. Im so angry right now, its not even funny.

Then they're trying to ground me from sewing.. And now they're comign down the stairs to yell at me. I'll finish this later.

So this week nothing major happened, I was hired on the spot by Target which was pretty cool though. I start soon and hopefully I'll be raking in more money and hours. Sarah called me Friday and her, Caitlin, and I went out to Woodfield to hang out with Mike and Tiffany from Michigan, and Dan the Ghostbuster. We had fun even though we only had enough time to eat dinner at Rainforest Cafe.

Yesterday I worked.. blah.. I feel so uneventful right now. I sewed together my Xianghua pants today and attempted to dye them, but the squirt bottle went crazy and the blue dye got all f'ed up, so my mom is doing me a HUGE favor right now and soaking the pants in bleach for me so I dont have to remake them. I went on Rit's Dye site and found a good color combination for the blue gradient on her pants and I'm going to try to give it another go tommorrow. I have the sleeves and most of the shirt done, I also ordered the wig yesterday.. 

Caitlin and I plan on making our ENTIRE Peach and Daisy costumes over spring break, as long as both of our schedules permit it. Hows everyone elses plans coming along for ACen? Big year, big year.

Is 'resolution' even the right word? ..God Im such an idiot. Anyways!

I've been thinking alot lately, really, I've never put my full 100% into anything, I've never given anything my best, although I claim I do.. Its really not true. I've worked in school, but not well enough, I've worked hard on my cosplay in an attempt to perfect everything possible, but thats never been enough. I've tried to train my horse and help keep things among order and good respect in my house and with my family-- but its never been good, its never been enough. I've tried to have more self control, to set goals for myself, to change things about myself that I really dislike; mentally, emotionally, and especially physically....Yet, its never been enough.

I've been gradually allowing my life to drag down hill, and today I had one of those weird 'out-of-body' experiences where it suddenly hits you that you're going to die one day, which led to me thinking about all of this again. I want to change everything, I really want to buckle down and gain that self control, that respect, that self-satisfaction for doing my best no matter the sacrafice. Really, I think about it and maybe I should tackle these things one step at a time, but if I do that then I'm going to get no where and accomplish absolutely nothing like I did in the past, so thats why I changing it all now. Now is the time for me to act and change my entire mindset. Now is the time for me to do my best in school and prove to my parents aswell as myself that I'm not a dumbass, now is the time for me to strive and work towards one of my passions, cosplay, no more half-assing things, skipping over seams and ignoring minor details. Now is the time for me to show my parents that I really care about them, and although they may not be able to control their tempers or language, I can control mine. Now is the time for me to finally spend quality time with one of the most special creatures I've ever met in my life, my horse, Sonny, and to actually work towards a comfortable(and safe in most cases) relationship with one another. Now is the time for me to buckle down, to stop procrastinating, to eat right, to manage my time, to do what I'm told by my parents and when they tell me to do it, and to be completely honest with my friends.

Now is the time for no more crap.

I want it all to change, and this year its going to happen. I'm going to do my best and try my hardest to make these changes. I understand its probably going to be one of the hardest things to do, but I feel that this resolution is something that needs to come true, its something that needs to happen. And for once in my life, I'm determined that it will. I hope that everyone else out there sets goals for themself, whether its to help others or to benefit themselves for personnal reasons. Everyone is always open for change or improvement, and its never too late.

So I'd like to know, whats your New Year's Resolution?